My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
~ Ashleigh Brilliant


Thursday, March 4, 2010

If Airlines Sold Paint


Buying both airline tickets and paint in the past few weeks has brought this "many a truth is said in jest" joke to mind more than once. Written by Al Hess, satirist and owner of a travel agency in Utah, it was first published in Travel Weekly on Oct 15, 1998 (which explains the nostalgic paint prices!) ;-)

If Airlines Sold Paint by Al Hess


Buying paint from a hardware store...

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of the regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

Buying paint from an airline...

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference. It's all the same paint.

Customer: Well then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean, "check to see if you can sell it to me?" You have shelves full of the stuff, I can see it right there!

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What???

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night?

Clerk: Yes sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50. Thanks for flying -- I mean painting -- with our airline.


And so on that comical note I must now resume painting my ceiling, thus far successfully resisting the urge to decorate it with wingéd cherubim and naked dudes (in case you were wondering, Alicia ~ lol). No, I fear I'm just a boring, paint-splattered roller of flat, white, zero-VOC latex on ceilings that seem to go on forever. Perhaps I would be more inclined to paint elegant Renaissance murals on my basement ceilings if I were this sort of painter instead...

Although this interminable ceiling project makes me relate far more to the painting's subject than to the painter! ;-)

3 comments:

  1. Funny post. I enjoyed it immensely.

    No naked men on the ceiling! Bummer. What would Michelangelo say about white? ;)

    talk to you later,
    Alicia

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad it tickled your funny bone, Ali! :-)

    I think Michelangelo would say, "I've seen how you draw, honey, and I think you need to just stick with white latex applied with a roller." lol (Of course, he'd say it in Italian so it would sound much nicer!) :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL! That was too funny! Everything does sound better in Italian though doesn't it?

    Ali

    ReplyDelete

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SOME CURRENT & RECENT READING...

SOME CURRENT & RECENT READING...

  • INFERNO ~ Dan Brown
  • MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD & EVIL ~ John Berendt
  • MY NOTORIOUS LIFE: A NOVEL ~ Kate Manning
  • ONE SUMMER: AMERICA, 1927 ~ Bill Bryson
  • QUIET: THE POWER OF INTROVERTS IN A WORLD THAT CAN'T STOP TALKING ~ Susan Cain
  • THE BEAUTIFUL CIGAR GIRL ~ Daniel Stashower
  • THE DEVIL IN THE WHITE CITY ~ Erik Larson
  • THE SHADOWS, KITH AND KIN ~ Joe R. Lansdale
  • THE TIPPING POINT ~ Malcolm Gladwell
There is still strong in our society the belief
that animals and the natural world have value
only insofar as they can be converted into revenue.
That nature is a commodity.
And that the American dream is one of unlimited consumption.
There are many of us, on the other hand,
who believe that animals and the natural world
have value by virtue of being alive.
That Nature is a community to which we belong
and to which we owe our lives.
And that the deeper American dream is one of unlimited compassion.

~John Robbins, "The Food Revolution"